Script for Lord of the Qs: Scene 4
SCENE 4: LOTHLORIEN ------------------- NARRATOR: Soon, the companions arrived at the borders of Lothlorien, a secluded forest deep in a gorge. BOROMIR: Stay close, young students. They say a great sorceress lives here, an elf-theorist of terrible power. All those who look upon her start working on approximation algorithms, and are never seen again. GIMLI: Well, this is one student the theorists won't ensnare so easily! I remember how large constants can get! FELLOWSHIP: Hey, Becky and Stephanie. BECKY: Hi there, what's going on? FELLOWSHIP: We need to see the great theorist about the one Q! By the way, have you reconsidered being in the holiday skit? STEPH: Ummmm.... we don't do skits. Hey, Becky, do we do skits? BECKY: No, we don't do skits. FELLOWSHIP: Okay... bye! STEPH & BECKY: Bye! (Fellowship walks towards Galadriel, waiting for them) FELLOWSHIP: The director of graduate studies! GALADRIEL: You bring great evil with you, fellows. (Galadriel pauses, looks around) GALADRIEL: Where is Gandalf? There are many problems I much desire to discuss with him. (Gandalf gets up) GANDALF: You shall not pass! (Gandalf collapses again) GALADRIEL: I see. (Turns to address Frodo) You cannot bring the Q here. It is not safe. I fought with the one Q long ago, but I could only get a k-approximation within the equality of these potatoes. Frodo, come, I must speak with you. (Galadriel pulls Frodo aside) GALADRIEL: Will you look into the mirror. FRODO: What will I see? GALADRIEL: Even the wisest cannot tell, for the mirror shows many things. Things that were (Visit day scene materializes on the other end of the stage) VISIT DAY STUDENT (VDS): Welcome to Cornell. I hope you enjoy your visit here. FRODO: Oh, it's visit day! VDS: Ithaca is a great city. Any Questions? (Pause) No, no, it never snows here! Hardly ever. Once in awhile. Sometimes. Every other day. I hate my life. (pause) Life as a grad student is great. There is plenty to do. Go to the parks. Get drunk. Get drunk at the park. I hate my life. (pause) The Qs? They're not so bad... you have two years to pass them... (Milind, ad lib) (VDS breaks down and sobs) GALADRIEL: Things that... oh, wait, this is not my job anymore. (G1 leaves, G2 enters, hands chocolates to G1) GALADRIEL: Oh, here are this month's chocolates. So where were we? Oh, right. Things that are. (Scene on left reflects current scene on right exactly) FRODO: What are we looking at? GALADRIEL: Now. FRODO: Yes, now. What are we looking at now? GALADRIEL: Right, now. FRODO: Yes, right now. That's what I'm asking, what are we looking at right now? GALADRIEL: Then we were looking at then, now we are looking at now. FRODO: Then? When were we looking at then? GALADRIEL: Just now. FRODO: So now is now. When will now be then? GALADRIEL: Soon. (Pause, other side walks off stage) Ahem. And some things that have not yet come to pass. (Sees students taking the Q) FRODO: Oh, people taking the Q exams! (One student stabs himself in the eye with a pencil) GS: I'm going to go jump off a bridge (Runs towards bridge of 611. Gandalf gets up) GANDALF: You shall not pass! (Gandalf falls back down) GALADRIEL: Well, that's enough of that. FRODO: Wait. I don't understand. Is that going to happen? GALADRIEL: Well, it's a possible world. If you know that I know that ... (Kamal improvises). SAM: Its the incantation of common knowledge! He implying the induction hypothesis over and over and over and over... (over and over!) BOROMIR: Sam, snap out of it, we shall not lose you to infinity as well! (Fellowship slowly, hesitantly, walk out on Galadriel, still saying things)