Script for Lord of the Qs: Scene 2
SCENE 2: THE FORMING OF THE FELLOWSHIP -------------------------------------- NARRATOR: Many applied for the fellowship of the Q, for it was generous and vague, required but one letter of recommendation, and was open to non-citizens! ELROND: Strangers from distant offices, friends of old. Congratulations on your fellowship. Our department stands on the brink of destruction. You will solve this Q, or none shall again graduate. Every field is bound to this fate, this one doom. Frodo, bring forth the Q. (Frodo places the Q on the table) LEGOLAS: So it is true. The Q of doom! BOROMIR: No, it is a gift. We can send it to MIT, to CMU, to keep them from publishing papers. SAM: But what if they solve it? ELROND: We have but one choice: You must solve the Q. GIMLI: So what are we waiting for? Let's define the semantics! (Gimli grabs a pencil, starts writing, and breaks the pencil on the podium where the Q is lying). ELROND: The Q cannot be solved, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft that we here possess. It must be researched in Carpenter Library. One of you must do this. (Silence) BOROMIR: One does not simply walk across the engineering quad into Carpenter. There is but one exit from Upson without a bulldozer out front, and it points the wrong way! And overwhelming snows may fall at any time. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. It is folly. Not with twenty four first-years could you do this. SAM: How about 42? ELROND: I hope you realize, that is not the answer to everything. BOROMIR: Why bother solving it at all? The Qs should be abolished! (General Bickering, disagreement on whether to abolish Qs, whether to simply send it away...) FRODO: I will go. I will take the Q to Carpenter, though I do not know the way. GANDALF: I will help you bear this burden for as long as it is yours to bear. As long as you write some papers for me on the way. LEGOLAS: I will provide you bounds, and I promise the constants will be small. GIMLI: Never trust a theorist! You have my fixed point theorems. BOROMIR: And my real-world systems practicality! SAM: And my decision trees! BOROMIR: Any NA companions? ELROND: None applied. So be it. You are the fellowship of the Q!