Script for Lord of the Qs: Scene 1
SCENE 1: INTRODUCTION --------------------- NARRATOR: The world has changed. I can feel it in the earth. I can smell it in the air. I can see it in the overcrowded offices. Much that once was, is lost. For none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the Qs (screaming) It began with the forging of the Qs ... (screaming) Please! It began with the forging of the Qs of Knowledge. Three text books worth were given to the theory elves. Concerned with that which is most intricate, detailed and terrifyingly precise. In their infinite wisdom they arrived from far lands to save our noble discipline from the confines of engineering, instead transforming it into a science. Seven, to the PL dwarves. Great craftsmen in denotational semantics, scribbling away in their dark and cavernous offices. They desire, above all else, THIS (sign shows denotational semantics of omega expression), although, like mithril in fantasy stories, there are few who have the skill to master it. And nine, nine of the largest, heaviest and most information packed textbooks worth were given to the systems humans, who above all else desire infinite power, for their hideous little mobile devices. There were yet two more, seldomly acknowledged, lesser Qs. One book was bestowed upon the AI hobbits, lost for a time in history and then only recently rediscovered. For they had long lay hidden in their quiet corner of the world, until suddenly found to be useful. The second was granted to an even stranger race of creatures, of whom few have been seen in recent times, the numerical analysts. But they were, all of them, deceived; For another Q was made. In the offices of Upson, upon its founding here many millenia ago, an evil professor forged, in secret, a master Q. And into this Q he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all students. One Q to rule them all. But, for reasons not entirely understood, the Q lay dormant, in a desk drawer, until it was almost lost. History became legend, legend became myth, and for two-and-a-half thousand years, the Q passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new guardian. The Q came to the unsuspecting student Gollum, whose advisor innocently gave him a stack of papers, among which was the one Q. PROFESSOR: Solve all of these, and then we can schedule your A exam. (Gollum is taking the papers from his advisor, the one Q is in the middle. Starts going through the papers) GOLLUM: Easy. Trivial. Vacuous. Intuitive. Hmmm... a challenge. (Leaves advisor's office, thinking about the problem aloud) NARRATOR: Wanting to graduate, it became his entire life. Even in his dreams, it consumed him. The Q brought Gollum an unnaturally long tenure at Cornell. For 15 years it poisoned his mind. Losing his sanity, Gollum confined himself in his own home. GOLLUM: The are equal! No, no, they are not! (Siggi improvises) NARRATOR: Eventually, Gollum's desk was reassigned to an unsuspecting, and unusually short, young hobbit Frodo. Upon finding the one Q, confused, he sought the help of an elder. (Frodo walks into Gandalf's office) GANDALF: What have you there, young student? (Frodo looking dazed and confused, hands paper over. Gandalf turns paper over) GANDALF: My god, it's the one Q! It must be solved, or else we will never graduate all those first years. We must create a fellowship upon whom this challenge can be bestowed!